Author seeks publisher for amazing partnership, and also to make enough money that I can move out of my parents’ house and you can buy a second uptown condo or Ferrari or whatever.
Must love books (and if you’re a publisher and you don’t, I have some serious questions about your life choices).
Must have sense of humour. Must comprehend sarcasm, even in print (it is my native tongue).
Must know grammar. Because terrible grammar DOES NOT LITERALLY make my head explode, because that would hurt and leave me very dead.
Must tolerate some adverbs. Because screw you Stephen King, sometimes they’re justifiable and even necessary to provide literary texture. Truly.
Must appreciate theatre, or at least have a passing interest in theatrically related things. Theatre is the world I come from (it’s like another planet, identical to our planet but with disproportionately more drama and chaos), and it is the topic of my latest project. So ideally you would be able to tell what the hell I’m writing about. One of us should, anyway.
Must love cats. Non-negotiable. (Okay, if you’re going to put my book in print and give me money then pretty much everything is negotiable. But you will be judged, and found wanting. Wanting sanity, and wanting the love of a cat.) They’re adorable little demons, and I am their slave. And they help me edit. Well, they sit on my manuscript or attack my pen or march dictatorially across the keyboard while I try to edit.
Must be kind, hard-working, intelligent, loyal, well-informed, devoted, and willing to help.
Must have enough previous experience to know what you’re doing, but not so much previous experience that our relationship won’t be special, you know?
Must be ready to bring new life into the world – with one manuscript only awaiting your touch and one more in progress, I am more than ready to start this family and introduce my children to the world.
Above all, must be up for an exciting adventure together, and, if we’re lucky, wild and unimaginable success.