On Cynical Romantics, Modern Vices, and Burny Drinks

Dear Future Publisher,

I am not without my vices.  We all have them.

I’m not a drinker.  I mean, I enjoy the occasional rum and coke or a shot of Bailey’s in my coffee, but at a rate of less than one a week (and at times less than one a month), that hardly counts.  And most alcohol is just icky and burny.  Beer tastes like what I imagine pee must taste like, although that is not based on any practical evidence, if you know what I mean.  Wine is just grape juice that tastes bad. So alcohol is not my vice.  That doesn’t make me a bad writer, for the record.  We don’t all have to be Hemingway. Continue reading

Advertisements

On Dinnertime Woes

Dear Future Publisher,

I have a confession to make. I would get a lot more accomplished if I didn’t have a cat. Now, I would never not have a cat, possibly because I’m a masochist who doesn’t want to have nice things.  But the point remains: without my cat, I would get so much more done in a day.

Let me give you just one example of what it is like living with a cat.

I am sitting, writing.

Things are going well.

And then, the cat suddenly appears at my feet.  He stares at me.  I try to ignore him.

Then,

HUMAN. HUMAN, IT IS TIME FOR EATS. Continue reading

On Squishbutt and the Doofi

Dear Future Publisher,

One of the incredible things about writing is the astonishing variety of our language.  So many diverse words and terms can be used to refer to the same thing, and can bring to the fore different aspects or elements of that thing.  This can make choosing difficult, but it can be thrilling to delight in the options before me, to seek the one with the perfect nuances and connotations, and to try to pick the one that you – and future readers – will like best.

P1280435
You again? Okay lady, but make it quick. I have sleeping to do.

Continue reading

On the Urge to Accessorize and the Security of Elevation

Dear Future Publisher,

Everyone feels safe somewhere.  A lot of people think that art is best when it comes from somewhere unsafe, somewhere on the brink, on the edge, and perhaps that’s true – that risk and trial and experience are all necessary in the life of an artist.  But I think safety is necessary, to some degree, for creativity.  To have a safe place in which to open up and be vulnerable without fear – or with fear, perhaps, but feeling comfortable enough to do it anyway.  Enough safety at least to be able to think in terms of art, rather than merely survival.  And with you, I will have to feel safe for our relationship to work, to be able to share this book I have written and open up and discuss it freely and honestly, to accept criticism of my baby and trust your input as I make changes.  For that to happen, I need to feel comfortable, I need to feel safe.

Ptolemy rarely feels safe, on account of being the most highly strung animal I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  So maybe he can teach us something about creating a safe place in which to work together. Continue reading

On Scooting and Ceiling-Land

Dear Future Publisher,

As promised, here are some other weird things about my cat:

He loves the ceiling, and is certain if he just gets the right angle on it, and jumps high enough, he could go up there and live on it like an upside down floor, and be the undisputed king of ceiling-land, now and forever. He will stare at it and crane his neck and meow thoughtfully and then try to shimmy up the wall by clapping at it with his paws or launch himself recklessly off high furniture.

He loves olives, which have a kind of catnippy effect on him, that results in him rubbing his face on old shoes and chewing on my fingers.  Continue reading

On Iambic Pentameter and Literary Athletics

Dear Future Publisher,

Today I wrote a short story.

I wrote it because of you.

And here’s the thing: I really struggle with short stories.

I don’t like writing them.  I don’t even like reading them, for the most part.  All of the joy I normally get from writing becomes a mundane chore when I try to write short fiction.  It becomes, “I guess I have to write this thing…or I could not, and take a nap”, instead of “OH BOY I GET TO WRITE, IT’S MY FAVOURITE”.  So, basically, when I write short stories, I’m a cat.  When I write novels, I’m a puppy. Continue reading

On Birds and Other Terrors of the Wilds

Dear Future Publisher,

Here are some things you should know about me:

I am well on my way to being a crazy cat lady.

I love an Oxford comma.  (And if you try to change this, you should expect foul language, tears, and eternal resentment.)

I would wear dresses all the time, if this weren’t Canada, and it weren’t winter, and I didn’t spill 72% of everything I try to eat or drink. Continue reading

Author Seeks Publisher

Author seeks publisher for amazing partnership, and also to make enough money that I can move out of my parents’ house and you can buy a second uptown condo or Ferrari or whatever.

Must love books (and if you’re a publisher and you don’t, I have some serious questions about your life choices).

Must have sense of humour.  Must comprehend sarcasm, even in print (it is my native tongue). Continue reading