On the Wonder and Beauty of Variety

Dear Future Publisher,

Have you ever noticed that the people on Wheel of Fortune seem entirely unaware of the existence of multiple adjectives in the English language? Nay, there is a veritable plethora of adjectives, which have, somehow, escaped their notice.  It irks me.  Let me show you why.

“I’m married to my wonderful husband, Jim,” says Susan, an accountant and mother of three from somewhere in Idaho.  You grit your teeth and try to ignore the redundancy of her statement.  Of course you’re married to your husband.  Otherwise he wouldn’t be your husband, you mutter at the television.  But maybe Jim is wonderful.  Maybe he is. Continue reading

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On Iambic Pentameter and Literary Athletics

Dear Future Publisher,

Today I wrote a short story.

I wrote it because of you.

And here’s the thing: I really struggle with short stories.

I don’t like writing them.  I don’t even like reading them, for the most part.  All of the joy I normally get from writing becomes a mundane chore when I try to write short fiction.  It becomes, “I guess I have to write this thing…or I could not, and take a nap”, instead of “OH BOY I GET TO WRITE, IT’S MY FAVOURITE”.  So, basically, when I write short stories, I’m a cat.  When I write novels, I’m a puppy. Continue reading

On Birds and Other Terrors of the Wilds

Dear Future Publisher,

Here are some things you should know about me:

I am well on my way to being a crazy cat lady.

I love an Oxford comma.  (And if you try to change this, you should expect foul language, tears, and eternal resentment.)

I would wear dresses all the time, if this weren’t Canada, and it weren’t winter, and I didn’t spill 72% of everything I try to eat or drink. Continue reading

Author Seeks Publisher

Author seeks publisher for amazing partnership, and also to make enough money that I can move out of my parents’ house and you can buy a second uptown condo or Ferrari or whatever.

Must love books (and if you’re a publisher and you don’t, I have some serious questions about your life choices).

Must have sense of humour.  Must comprehend sarcasm, even in print (it is my native tongue). Continue reading